Battle of the sexes
by Lady Nuit
Summary: Who wants it more? That is the question that causes this great divide. Which gender truly needs sex more? L, Matt, and Near versus Soar, Carys, and Angel. Mello smirked knowing that tangled web he weaved. ""I don't care who wins, but I care if I'm there"


_Author's note: This is an idea that my friend (Owns Carys) and I considering how men and women and their view on sex. Review D: Don't own Soar or Carys. _

**~The Battle of the Sexes~**

It had started innocently enough. Three couples were watching television and just lying against one another. Their single friend's comment was what brought on an important conversation.

"Stupid, it's so obvious that girls need sex more than guys. Psh, so needy" were the words uttered by Mello while he ate popcorn.

Carys, Angel and Soar began to laugh at his comment. It was so stupid to them .

"Oh come on, boys need it more, they are always whining and when they don't get any they have their right hand for help" Carys snorted and sipped her beer.

Angel smirked as she lied against Near.

"Oh really? Well you shouldn't say much, you do the same" Matt said.

The atmosphere got quiet and tension was felt.

"Don't be silly" Near said

"Thank you Near" Angel said smiling.

"But of course, the anatomy of a woman just needs a men's organ. Women need sex more than men since they use it for stress relief while men use it for pleasure, we don't need sex, it's a choice" Near finished his comment and pulled Angel close.

Angel pulled back and hit his chest lightly.

"You have to be kidding me" she said flatly.

Mello snickered.

"Trouble in paradise albino"

L smirked as Soar huffed.

"My apprentice is correct" L replied "Women have sex for the atmosphere of it all. They need the emotional and physical connection to truly obtain happiness. Men are not like that , we are sexual beings but who don't need to have those connections that you women need"

Soar scoffed.

"I thought we weren't going to get into this" She said.

Angel stretched.

"I don't want to add to this but" she said "The majority of adult men under 60 think about sex at least once a day. Only about one-quarter of women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasize less, but men still fantasize about twice as often."

Matt snorted and finished his third beer.

"Where did you read that, Cosmo? Did Oprah tell you that?" he teased.

Carys pushed his arm away from her and grabbed the beer he was going to open.

"Excuse you Matt" Carys said " You know that if I hadn't put out you wouldn't even be here! Sex is all you think about and need it more than food. You dick" she hissed.

Mello simply watched the scene. He started the fire and he was going to enjoy it. If he didn't like the channel they were watching, this sure as hell was better than anything.

"Guys need sex more" Soar said "You have higher sex drives than we do and you expect it frequently"

Angel and Carys raised their beers to cheer to that.

"But you never complain do you" Near commented. "None of you do. If you Angel didn't spend so much time on the phone on a three way call with those two talking about our sex life, what would you girls even talk about?"

Angel got up and sat over to where Carys had moved. The divide was beginning.

" Near you are absolutely right. Soar all you talk about is gossip and as much as I love pretending to listen while on a case, can you talk about something other than people's sex lives. You worship sex and most shows for the women audience are about sex" L said.

The men grunted in agreement.

"Well what about porn hm?" Angel commented "You guys worship that, and Playboy as well"

"Don't think we don't know where your porn collection is" Carys added.

"I could say the same to you, Car" Matt replied.

She glared.

"Sex is a release for men and they find any means necessary" Soar said.

L chuckled and she got up walking over to the women. It was now clear, people had taken sides.

"Oh come now, we were just teasing" Near said chuckling.

"No way" Carys said. It was clear, she was the leader of the girls. "You guys really think you can live without sex? We could outlast you any day"

The girls nodded.

"Oh come on, you need sex more than anyone here" Matt said.

The guys nodded.

"Want to bet on it?" Carys sneered.

Another competition was commencing.

"What do we get out of it?" Matt asked intrigued.

"I'm in. We need a referee" Angel added.

"I'll be it, I have nothing to gain, 'cept pay me in chocolate" Mello said.

The couples shrugged.

" If Angel is in I have no choice now do I?" Near said and agreed.

"I'm in" Soar said.

The boys huddled and wondered what they wanted. The girls copied them and they began to talk. They all separated at the same time and they went back to look at their partner.

"We want to be pampered" Soar said and the girls agreed smiling.

The guys groaned.

"We want the following: Cake, free cake from your shop, the new videogame I've been looking for you know with the guns. Oh! Add a gun in there, some robots for the weirdo and a pound of chocolate" Matt said.

The girls rolled their eyes and nodded.

"Why not make this official" L commented.

The six people turned to look at him. Mello shrugged since he wasn't signing anything.

"Okay get a pen and paper" Matt ordered.

Angel got up and walked over to the desk and grabbed one of the empty sheets of printer paper she had. She walked over and got on her knees beginning to write.

"Dictate then" she ordered.

" Very well" L began "There is a gender divide and it's very simple. We shall see which counterparts can survive the longest without sex."

"No Masturbation!" Matt added looking at Carys. "No toys"

Near paled .

"Not that kind Near' Angel said rolling her eyes.

"Same goes to your three" Carys hissed "No porn"

They nodded.

"Toys will be taken as well as porn videos" L continued "No sexual release, no objects to reach release. The gender that gives up first loses and the consequences are the ones mentioned before."

"Oh also they can't search it, I'll make it so computers fail to go to the sites" Carys said.

"No playboy" Soar added

"No physical touching" Mello suggested.

They nodded.

"Now we sign" Angel said.

They all grabbed the pen and each of them signed.

"There" Angel said "Mello you take care of this"

They all saw their sex lives being signed away.

"So….." Mello said awkwardly "All head home yes?" he asked.

They nodded and they all left leaving him alone. He smirked rubbing his hands together.

"I don't care who wins, but I care if I'm there to see it go down" he murmured.

_**L and Soar's Abode..**_

They sat in bed together. L was going through future cases and if any of them caught his interest. While he did this Soar read her books trying to stop the twitching of her leg. It was restless, normally they would have some foreplay, little kissing some petting if they weren't up for sex. Today would not be the case.

"Good night" L said abruptly and turned off his lamp.

She smiled tightly.

"Good night" she said.

As they leaned in to kiss they froze, knowing that it was not possible.

"night" they both whispered.

They pulled back and slept side to side not being able to touch each other romantically. It was as if they had not been in a relationship, they went back about a hundred steps in their relationship that night.

_**Matt and Carys Condominium…**_

"And throw this out, and this and this and this too" Matt said throwing out the toys.

"DON'T THROW BUNNY DAMN IT I PAID GOOD MONEY ON IT" Carys yelled.

Yes it was midnight and yes they continued to yell.

"You want to be like that….fine" she said she walked over and got down getting a box out marked 'Old Video games'. She opened the box and smirked throwing out all his playboys collected from 1995.

"We throw this out too" she said smirking.

He paled and glared throwing his goggled on the floor.

"Damn it Carys, I love those" he said

"I love my bunny too" she replied.

They had a glare match.

" Why don't we put it in a box" she suggested.

"With a lock" he agreed.

They scurried around trying to find a box. Once they did they placed all their beloved toys and porn magazines, porn videos and what not and placed them in the box. Once they closed it the lock was placed.

"Who keeps the key?" Matt asked.

Carys took the key and flushed it down the toilet.

"No one" she replied.

They both sighed and got into bed. They had a king size bed for the fact that they were rowdy people. They sighed bored out of their mind.

"Night" she said

"Night" he replied.

It was a long time since they hadn't had sex.

_**Angel and Near's Home..**_

Angel was humming as she was putting a box of nude magazines into a chest. Near watching her with a glare as she put away his magazines. Angel hummed since she had found an excuse for putting them away.

"This is cruel and unusual punishments you know" he said

"Well too bad" she said smiling.

"They were gifts and you know it" he said "Matt would not appreciate it"

She turned and smiled tugging his robot from his grip.

"Since when do I care what Matt thinks hm?" she asked.

She bent down and placed the chest in the closet. Near stared at her behind wondering how long would it take her to fold.

"You know, we could just fold and let them go at it right?" Near said after a while.

She turned and smirked at him knowing he was staring.

"Doesn't matter we'll win" Near said "I never lose"

She shrugged and stood up straight.

"By the way" she said closing the door. "You're sleeping in the guest bedroom"

He frowned.

"Why?" he asked

"You grope in your sleep" she said

He frowned and walked towards her.

"Good night" he breathed out.

"Bonne nuit" she breathed out staring at his lips

He smirked and walked out leaving her there; as he left she frowned.

"God, it's like we're virgins again' she muttered.

She climbed into bed and groaned.

_**Next Morning…**_

Soar awoke to an empty bed. She turned to see a note on the bed.

_Dear Soar,_

_I am currently with the men at Carys' home. I was told by her to meet at Angel's home for some meeting of the genders, I'm not sure. Though I cannot touch you for the contract forbids it, I must say that I do love you very much. You look lovely when you sleep but you must know that you're always beautiful._

_Love, Your Eru_

She smiled to herself and got up rushing to get ready to meet the girls. She knew it was important.

_**With Carys and Angel..**_

Angel and Carys were already drinking at noon. They couldn't help it, they were beginning not to like this. They had begun to talk about their issues. Angel could not help but smile, Carys was on her fifth margarita.

When Soar walked in, she walked into a scene.

"THAT BASTARD" Carys was in the middle of ranting "The idiot has the nerve to actually walk around naked. His excuse was it was too hot for a towel. So he was flexing as he walked into the fucking bathroom, worst thing, we said we would leave the door open so we could prevent ourselves from masturbating."

She finished her fifth and was starting her sixth.

"Hey Soar" Carys said. "Take a seat"

Angel giggled and handed Soar a margarita.

"At Noon?" Soar asked.

"It's 4 o' clock somewhere" Angel mumbled.

"Cock?" Carys said desperately. "I miss it oh god. You don't get it, he's sexier now that he knows he has something over me"

Soar laugh.

"How are you doing Soar? How's L?" she asked

Soar shrugged.

"He's getting more involved in work. He can't stare at my eyes" Soar said softly.

Carys looked at her skeptically.

"Has he teased you in any way?" he asked.

" He wrote me a love letter" Soar said tentatively as she sipped her margarita.

"He's starting it" Carys ranted "See they will try and get you to totally go on and fall into the mood of making love"

Angel snickered amused, while Soar frowned.

"What about you?" Carys asked bitterly.

" NeargropedmewithHulkgloves" Angel mumbled.

"What?"They both said.

"Near groped me with Hulk gloves" She said slightly louder.

Carys looked at her.

"Is that even legal?" Soar asked.

"Forget that, how is that even possible?" Carys said.

"Near said it was an accident, I was napping" she said with a red face "Suddenly I hear the Hulk roar and he's pushing the gloves to my breasts. His excuse was that he was walking me up and he couldn't take the gloves off."

Soar and Carys began to laugh at her while she glared.

"Whatever" she huffed.

"Let's just forget this and get to more drinking" Carys said.

They continued to drink hoping to forget their issues.

_**With the men…**_

L was watching his successors act stupidly. He was not one to mix with them but when he did he did it out of amusement. Right now Matt was drinking stupid Mello was eating chocolate and Near was eating popcorn watching at them drinking.

"You know she's a bitch!" Matt ranted "She's always bending down or when she woke up this morning she got in the shower, and she was totally washing her body and knew I was watching. I mean I was watching to prevent her from masturbating, do you know how hard it was to fight instinct?"

Matt groaned and drank beer drowning his misery.

"How are you holding up L?" Mello asked curiously.

"I'm fine" he said "It's going easy"

Mello frowned and turned to face Near.

"And you albino" he asked.

"I groped Angel with hulk gloves" he muttered hugging the bowl of popcorn.

Matt and Mello started laughing and L's lips twitched showing amusement.

"She bought the idea that I was trying to wake her up."

"You are the worst out of the three of you" Mello said .

"Totally you always are near to humping her leg" Matt said "My hypothesis is that years of pent up sex"

"That might be you in a few days Matt" Mello teased.

Matt glared and finished his beer and started another.

"You might need to be careful there Matt" L grunted "Don't want to make yourself look stupid"

Matt shrugged and continued to drink.

_**Hours Later..**_

Matt looked around the room. L was eating cake like a mad man. That meant he was repressing his sexual feelings. Near was twiddling his hair and moving the ~A~ puppet and making it thump the ~N~ puppet; Matt would have found this funny if he hadn't asked Near to let him borrow the ~C~ and ~J~ doll out. His eyes then landed at Mello. Mello was sitting nonchalantly changing channels and laughing at something for a few seconds then changing the channel again.

Before his eyes, Mello suddenly changed to a buxom blonde dressed completely in leather. He blinked and rubbed his eyes.

" What?" Mello asked.

"Well, you would make a hot chick Mells" Matt said.

Suddenly they heard a pair of chuckles to see L and Near laughing at the pair.

"Without sex you are willing to turn gay" L said monotonous making Near chuckled even more.

"Shut up" Both Mello and Matt said.

_**Back to the girls..**_

The girls were in no better shape, in fact that they were even drunker than ever before. Soar had only drank five, thus she was slightly tipsy. Angel was in bad shape, the most she had ever drunk was three and now she had drowned in seven. Carys was the winner here, she had drunk eleven and stated that she still felt nothing.

Currently they were lying on Angel's favorite living room with the phone in the center.

"Call him" Angel slurred.

"Don't call him" Soar said in a clearer tone.

"Ima *hic* I'm soooooooooo call him and be all hai~!" Carys managed to say.

Angel giggled and threw her the phone. Carys knew that Angel had put them all on speed dial. Matsuda was number 17. She called and put it on speaker so they could here.

"Hello, this is Matsu, sorry I'm not here right now please leave a message after the beep" Matsuda said excited.

Carys squealed at hearing his voice.

"Oh my god Matsuda Hi!" she said cheerily. "MATSUUUUUU I MISS YOU AND YOU'RE SO GOOD IN BED. I NEED YOUUUUUU."

She then accidently clicked the end call. Angel started laughing as did Soar.

"Oh my god! " Angel said shocked "I should call Gevanni"

"Oh god yes" Carys said.

Carys dialed for her and before Soar could protest it happened.

"Hey Gev *hiccup* Gev*giggle* Stephen Loud!" Angel slurred " I was always wonderin' if you were loud in bed. You sound good, and you're really hot" she giggled "I never told you cause *hiccup* I *burp* I forgot what I was going to say *giggles* Car? What was I was supposed to say?"

"To do you!" Carys slurred back obviously being heard.

"Yeah what she said" Angel said. "Anyways see you at work tomorrow, bye!"

Suddenly it cut off.

"Thank for you leaving a message, I, Near, will get to you as soon as I possibly can, thank you for leaving me a message"

All the girls paled.

"Let's try this again" Carys said and dialed Gevanni.

"Hey Gev *hiccup* Gev*giggle* Stephen Loud!" Angel slurred once more" I was always wonderin' if you were loud in bed. You sound good, and you're really hot" she giggled "I never told you cause *hiccup* I *burp* I forgot what I was going to say *giggles* Car? What was I was supposed to say again?"

"To do you!" Carys slurred back obviously being heard.

"Yeah what she said" Angel said. "Anyways see you at work tomorrow, bye!"

"Thank you for the message, I will get to you as soon as I can, Gevanni" he said.

The girls giggled and panted in laughter.

"I'm gonna be in trouble with ….." Angel stopped talking "With who?"

"Near" Soar answered.

"Yes him! Oh he's hot" she slurred. "Seriously"

Carys suddenly stood up.

"That's it!" she yelled abruptly "I can't take this, I need sex naow and since you girls don't have what I need I'm going to get myself some. Hand me the fucking phone, I'm going to call Matty"

"No!" Both Angel and Soar said.

"Fuck you both, no wait…fuck me damn it" she hissed.

She ran towards the phone and as she speed dialed their home.

"Hello?" A voice called out.

"Matty! I gi-ahh!" she yelled.

Out of nowhere Angel had tackled her. She was covering her mouth as Carys continued to mumbled under it. The cat fight began, Angel's hair was tugged and Carys mouth was covered even more. That was until she licked Angel's hand making her squeak and she pinned Angel under her.

"Damn you Angel" she slurred "Let me talk"

"I want –gahh!" She was then tackled by Soar.

"Don't you dare end this!" Soar cried out "Don't let us lose!"

The three of them began to fight.

_**On the other side of the conversation..**_

Matt, Mello, L and Near were sitting around bored out of their mind. It was obvious this atmosphere was foreign. Matt refused to touch another videogame because he had sucky ones left. The other good games had sex content and were removed from his custody.

"Yo…you got a message Near" Mello said looking at Near's cell phone lying on the table.

Near flipped it open and his eyes widened.

"A message from Angel" he mumbled.

"Put it on speaker" Matt ordered.

_Hey Gev *hiccup* Gev*giggle* Stephen Loud!... I was always wonderin' if you were loud in bed. You sound good, and you're really hot. I never told you cause *hiccup* I *burp* I forgot what I was going to say *giggles* Car? What was I was supposed to say?... "To do you!" they heard a faint reply from Carys and a giggle unmistakably Soar. _

Everyone said nothing for a while. Near simply stared at his phone blankly knowing that Angel had sent this. For one thing it was the wrong number, for another thing she was obviously drunk out of her mind as were the other girls.

Suddenly a chuckle broke through the silence. They turned their heads to see L chuckling at his young successors. The laughter was infectious till everyone was laughing but Near.

"What are you going to do about it?" Mello asked wiping tears from his eyes.

"Wait till we win the bet then she'll see" Near said simply.

"You are a loser" matt said.

They suddenly heard the phone ringing and Matt bent down to answer the call on speaker. As no one spoke he called out.

"Hello?" Matt called out.

"_Matty! I gi-ahh!"_ was what he heard from the other side.

"Car?" he asked.

"_Get off me!" _

"_No!" _ a voice unmistakably Angel's

""I want –gahh!" She was then tackled by Soar.

"_Don't you dare end this!" Soar cried out "Don't let us lose!" _

"Giving up?" Matt asked with a glint in his eye.

"NEVER!" The girls minus Carys cried out.

"_Ouch my hair!" Angel cried out._

"_No bitch get the fuck off!" Carys cried out._

"_Get her!" Soar cried._

The men stared at the phone.

"What if they are ripping their clothes off…."Mello commented.

The men stared silently at the phone as the line went dead.

"Another day to wait…..they'll snap…..they have to" Matt said.

Near nodded and stuffed his face with popcorn ignoring the flushed state of imagining his wife naked. L had stuffed himself full of cake but kept going as Tira Misu reminded L of when Soar and him went on their honey moon. While her body was covered in-He wasn't going there. He shook his head and sighed.

"Was this a bad idea?" Near asked out loud.

"NO!" They all said "Now shut up and eat"

"Yes eat your sexual frustrations away" L muttered

_**With the Girls…..**_

The girls were panting on the ground. Their shirts were smudged with food and drinks, their hair were a mess and they were tired out of their mind.

"This was not the exercise and tiredness I was expecting" Carys slurred.

"Yeah" Angel said .

"Totally" Soar groaned.

"We'll wait them out…..they'll snap….they have to" Carys finished.

Both genders were oblivious just how determined their partners were. As the moon rose over, ending day one, day two would be seemingly harder.

_**Author's note: Okay …..this is just part one of the two shot. Review n.n **_


End file.
